Guilt comes knocking

Yesterday I was talking to my 17 year old, Christopher, on the phone. He was out and about, doing his thing. We exchanged concerns about my oldest son, Chase. Chase has spent most of his life searching for a certain confidence that always seems to elude him. He is incredibly bright, well-spoken, and lovely in all aspects. But he has always felt seperate from others. An outsider looking in. I carry such guilt for this. Despite the fact that what's done is done, I second guess so many things about his younger years.
Chase went to live with his dad in Alaska when he was just 8 years old. He was such an unhappy boy at times, and I felt I was failing him. I felt he was one of those kids that needed his dad. So, in the single most difficult decision of my life, I let him go. He loved Alaska. It wasn't perfect, but Alaska suited him. He was a little adventurer and he felt special. I was glad for that no matter how I missed him.
It was the move to Hawaii that seemed destined to change him. There, he met a prejudice that I didn't even know about, where the islanders spurn white kids. Chase started to struggle again and has never quite gotten his self esteem back on track. No matter how loved he is (and he IS!!) he still feels like an outsider sometimes.
It is frustrating for me. I go back through my history and think "what if?". As in "What if I had brought him home when he was having such a rough time?", "What if I had never sent him to live with his dad in the first place?", "What if this is all my fault?".
All parents struggle with guilt. I know this, I've talked to other parents. I've seen my mom second guess herself and choices made when my older brother was struggling with his own demons (a struggle he happily seems to have won). Guilt has no preference. Even those parents that are truly stellar (my friend Sandy at work) have moments of doubt. It can be crippling, stealing sleep and comfort.
But this worry is self-defeating. You can't go back and start over. There are no do-overs in parenting. Despite my heavy heart, I know that all any of us can ever do is our best. You give your children the love, the tools and lessons and hope when the time comes they will make the right choices for themselves.
I will continue to assure Chase that not only is he adored by all of us, that he is a gift to this world and has a purpose in this life. That he makes me swell with pride just by being himself. He with the nine lives, he is meant for something great. Wait and see.
And Christopher. He has never given me a moment's worry. He leads instead of following. He is self-assured and confident. I never worry that the phone call in the middle of the night is about him. This at least gives me comfort. Maybe I did something right after all. I am proud of his drive and passion. He will be a success simply because he refuses not to be.
Such different boys, born of the same parents. But it has never occured to me to compare them. I have never thought to say to either of them, "Why can't you be more like your brother?". Because then they wouldn't be these children I love. They are their own persons. They are as different as night and day but have both brought such joy to my life. They make me happy....and I want so much for that same happiness to envelop them in return. They both deserve it.
We all do.