Everyone knows how I adore my kids and how proud I feel when I tell people that I have five children. But here's my dirty little secret: I have days, sometimes stretches of days, when I want to hang up my motherhood hat and take a vacation from it.
This is something that I have guilt over but it's the truth. There are times when I don't care what Laura made on her vocabulary test and I don't want to run letters and sounds with Julia. Emma is probably not potty trained because I refuse to toil away at it so I wait until it comes from her. My house is peaceful when the older boys are out and if I have to nag Chase one more time about saving money I may explode.
The thing is, most of the time I am filled with joy about these duties. They give my life form and purpose. And then there's days like today, when I am so sick of pre-school television and have no desire whatsoever to go meet with Julia's teacher and the idea of no school tomorrow and all 3 home the entire day fills me with something like dread. I am feeling outnumbered and tired and I wonder what it's all about. It is true that I have no time carved out for myself. The idea of going over to mom's when Patrik gets home from work appeals to me but then I feel badly because I feel I don't see enough of the kids as it is.
I have this exquisite fantasy about packing up and running away from home. Just getting in the car and heading to a beach cottage somewhere to read books under a beach umbrella and drink frosty Absolut and cranberry (with a lime) and not even glancing at the clock or television. This fantasy usually pops up after nights like last night, which was Julia's birthday. It was lovely UNTIL...Emma threw a fit because Julia wanted to play with some of her own gifts (and this after being more than generous about sharing). Emma's noise level increased to a decible only dogs and mothers can hear. Chris was here for a bit and brought 2 friends and they were loud. I looked around this tiny house and thought, "Calgon, take me away..."
I am outnumbered. Even when the boys aren't here. And I'm only human. Patrik is a great help on weekends: he cooks, cleans house, watches all three girls and works in the yard. But he is smart enough to take time for himself every Wednesday to play soccer and I know it revives him. I wish I had it in me to go play, but even when I say I am going to, I don't. I'm just too tired. What I really want to do is get a hotel room and sleep for 2 days. And order room service.
I suppose that this isn't just about being the mom to a large family. I imagine most moms feel this way at one time or another and that brings me some comfort. I borrow self-help books from the library about taking me time and caring for self and then don't have time to read them (or energy).
When we go to Key West on the 7th I am going to take a night for me. I swear to God. I am going to take my mother-in-law up on her offer to babysit (she is very generous about this), I am going to send Patrik out with his Slovak friends, and I am going to sit by the pool with a novel and music on. ALONE. Because I really really need to recharge. I know I am no good to my family when I feel this disconnected and run down. It's the old airplane rule: mothers put your oxygen mask on first, then attend to your children. Well, my oxygen mask is dusty from lack of use. Instead of running away, maybe I just need to put it on.
This is something that I have guilt over but it's the truth. There are times when I don't care what Laura made on her vocabulary test and I don't want to run letters and sounds with Julia. Emma is probably not potty trained because I refuse to toil away at it so I wait until it comes from her. My house is peaceful when the older boys are out and if I have to nag Chase one more time about saving money I may explode.
The thing is, most of the time I am filled with joy about these duties. They give my life form and purpose. And then there's days like today, when I am so sick of pre-school television and have no desire whatsoever to go meet with Julia's teacher and the idea of no school tomorrow and all 3 home the entire day fills me with something like dread. I am feeling outnumbered and tired and I wonder what it's all about. It is true that I have no time carved out for myself. The idea of going over to mom's when Patrik gets home from work appeals to me but then I feel badly because I feel I don't see enough of the kids as it is.
I have this exquisite fantasy about packing up and running away from home. Just getting in the car and heading to a beach cottage somewhere to read books under a beach umbrella and drink frosty Absolut and cranberry (with a lime) and not even glancing at the clock or television. This fantasy usually pops up after nights like last night, which was Julia's birthday. It was lovely UNTIL...Emma threw a fit because Julia wanted to play with some of her own gifts (and this after being more than generous about sharing). Emma's noise level increased to a decible only dogs and mothers can hear. Chris was here for a bit and brought 2 friends and they were loud. I looked around this tiny house and thought, "Calgon, take me away..."
I am outnumbered. Even when the boys aren't here. And I'm only human. Patrik is a great help on weekends: he cooks, cleans house, watches all three girls and works in the yard. But he is smart enough to take time for himself every Wednesday to play soccer and I know it revives him. I wish I had it in me to go play, but even when I say I am going to, I don't. I'm just too tired. What I really want to do is get a hotel room and sleep for 2 days. And order room service.
I suppose that this isn't just about being the mom to a large family. I imagine most moms feel this way at one time or another and that brings me some comfort. I borrow self-help books from the library about taking me time and caring for self and then don't have time to read them (or energy).
When we go to Key West on the 7th I am going to take a night for me. I swear to God. I am going to take my mother-in-law up on her offer to babysit (she is very generous about this), I am going to send Patrik out with his Slovak friends, and I am going to sit by the pool with a novel and music on. ALONE. Because I really really need to recharge. I know I am no good to my family when I feel this disconnected and run down. It's the old airplane rule: mothers put your oxygen mask on first, then attend to your children. Well, my oxygen mask is dusty from lack of use. Instead of running away, maybe I just need to put it on.
3 comments:
I know exactly what you are saying. All mothers do, except Frani, which I think is not normal!!! You MUST take time for yourself Leslie. I think you would love yoga and it would do you a world of good. Go to the library or a movie. It doesn't have to be something organized. i know if you just take the plunge you will love it. I know it is hard to find a day to do it because Patrik does this on that day and that on this day but know what?? He may have to go grocery shopping on Saturday or Sunday and take his kids like most other working people! If I sound like I resent him for this a bit, it's true! You have a job that saps you emotionally and physically---you need time to regroup. For Patrik and the kids as much as for yourself! As wonderful as your kids are, every woman understands your feeling. I was actually thinking about you last night. You need to take better care of you and this is where you should start.
Okay, off my soapbox!
I love you.
((((MOM))))
I know all you say is true, and I should say that Patrik always encourages me to go do something when he's home, I just never have the heart to....
Key West, don't disappoint!!!
I love you.
You know, you can always come by here to get away. We are about as anti-kid as you can be here. I think you need to get away more too. But you know that already! Take a deep breath and come over, I'll make you your Absolut and Cranberry juice drink. With a lime, it's called a Cape Cod.
Mom, if you didn't know, when there's parenthesis around your name like that, Leslie is giving you a hug!
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